As you make your way through the airport there’s a few more people you should look out for (they won’t be hard to spot):
The LADS holiday
Decked out in short shorts, flip flops and a snapback, these individuals are probably flying off to somewhere ‘mental’ like Benidorm, Zante or Malia.
They will have their trademark t shirts with their obscene nicknames printed on the back, a pint in hand and a burger in the other at 6am in the morning (it’s the only flight they could afford).
Easily identifiable by their football chants at a watering hole in the departure lounge, these passengers are definitely ones to avoid.
There’s really no end to the banter.
The Stag/Hen Party
One word: classy.
Bit like the lads, but with the addition of matching t-shirts, a lot more swearing and that one friend in a sweater vest top who’s been told to behave himself by his missus.
They will generally be accompanied by a now-poor groom-to-be wearing a borderline offensive outfit.
This group of travellers just want to let go of all inhibitions and down the ‘cheeky’ shots at 5am before their flight to Prague or Krakow.
On the hen party side of things, the group will be getting a stern telling off from a sober friend, about how they are on the verge of ruining the trip for everyone. This telling off will result in tears and wedding jitters.
Again, this group are easily identifiable – members of this group will have rollers in their hair and fake tan applied for the ‘pre-holiday glow’, that will actually last for the next 18 months.
Expect this group to cause a commotion in security as one loud lady didn’t put all of her lipsticks and perfumes in the liquids bag and another is throwing a fit because she’s having to throw away the products she bought before security.
Surprisingly louder than the stag party, they will have all kinds of paraphernalia that will cause offence to everyone in the airport.
Stressed parents filled with regret
Sun cream? Check. Insurance? Check. Passport? Check.
Always wearing backpacks with bottles of water packed into the side pockets, trying desperately to collapse a stroller and carrying a homemade lunch under their arms.
Whilst going through security they’ll realise they made the wrong decision and will begin to wish they left their offspring at home with friends/relatives.
They’re also the only people paying attention to the safety briefing when on the plane.
The one on a ‘gap yah’
No longer a rare sight in airports, these rich young people will be travelling on their trust funds whilst they take a gap year before attending university to study something like Philosophy.
They will be wearing a huge backpack, a tie-dye t shirt, flip flops and holding an expensive set of headphones and pair of aviator sunglasses.
They will talk about how they are off to find themselves in Asia, when really we all know they’ll end up in a Thai McDonalds in 24 hours, using wi-fi to contact their mummy and daddy to ask for a bank transfer.
The ones with the overexcited kids
The duty-free has been too much for them.
Whilst their parents are buying cheap alcohol to numb the regret of bringing their kids, they’ve taken the golden opportunity to ask their parents for a crate of Smarties knowing full well that their parents are in the holiday mood and are more than likely to bow to their demands.
They know exactly what they’re doing.
By the time you get to duty free you lose count of all of the lost children announcements.
Of course a 17-hour flight from Auckland to Qatar is the perfect place for a 2 year old!
Business travellers beware.
The one with the complaints
These people can be heard demanding to see the check-in attendant’s manager.
Something has gone terribly wrong for 46-year old Debbie and her husband Mark, and they are causing an absolute scene.
She is crying and waving her arms around, has already posted on her friend’s Facebook wall (‘Having a few issues at the airport, Melanie. So angry. Hope to see u soon. Give my love to Steve and the kids lol xxx’) and has a mountain of crumpled paper documents stacked next to her, having still not yet heard of mobile boarding passes.
The over-keen security guard
Nobody likes setting off an alarm and getting an awkward pat down. This experience is made infinitely worse by that one member of security who refuses to break eye contact. Awkward!
People that don’t understand security
These people haven’t travelled in a long time – probably not since 9/11, so they have absolutely no idea of what to expect.
They will frantically ask more experienced travellers: ‘What do I do? What if this happens? What if that happens?’
Airport security is hardly a revelation – you knew it was coming, so why are you only now taking your electronics and liquids out of your hand luggage?
“I lost my passport, can I still travel?”
With the advent of smartphone technology, your passport is perhaps the ONLY, if not the most important, physical document that you have to bring to the airport.
But these people think they know better.
They think they can breeze through the airport with their charm, knowing full well they won’t be able to travel – honestly, have they never heard of airport security?
But they will always be seen watching Netflix in the arrival hall, waiting for their parents to deliver their passport. At which time they will get a mouthful for making their parents wake up at 3am to make the three-hour round trip to the airport.